It took 30 years to understand the why of my father’s suicide but after my own year of sorrow and asking: What’s the point of all this? I finally got it.
Life can be emotionally exhausting and he was tired.
I told him I understand, I loved you, I miss you, I forgive you, please forgive me.
I’m a musical artist seeking collaborations— this poem is powerful and should get a megaphone, or a driving beat behind it. Or something… I’d do that for you. You could consider.
I’m here in Substack because this is where the minds come to mingle and consider the bigger questions.
Lately, I’ve been trying to accept that some people need to make their final choice. I wish they would stick around and review their glass, but I don’t know what agonies prevail upon them. I pray that my own discourages buy will wait the bad times out. It’s a terrifying place to be as a parent. I hope your daughter can stay. You are a good reason for her to hang around.
When you feel like hearing my first vocal track, I’d be pleased if you’d take it for a ride.
I’m going to put this all a bit quickly and simply because I am supposed to be working right now. I cleaned my mother’s blood off the floor three times as a child. She slit her wrists, but she did it the wrong way, lol, so she was all right. I made excuses to my friends, which was kind of embarrassing. And I hated her for it for a really long time because I felt betrayed. I’m 8 (or 10 or 13). Like “Wouldn’t you want to be around for me? What about me?” There’s still, maybe because of that, a part of me that feels like suicide is incredibly selfish. Because you have people who need you. But the older I get the more I do understand that sometimes the world is just too much. Nonexistence sometimes feels preferable. And this is why I am not a person who doesn’t own any guns. I enjoy shooting, I’m a decent shot, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. If I wanted to hurt them, I could do it with my cutlery set. It’s a risk to me. I’ve actually considered getting a Glock (because one side shouldn’t have all the guns), but…well…idk. It’s a risk to nobody but me.
I don’t put too much energy into smarts nor do I put too much thought- into thought. I mean, thinking is not the end all be all of existence. Thinking, if you think about it, is a relatively new phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. I find that an attitude of “not knowing” serves me to reduce the active, or smart if you like, minds incessant need to turn everything into a damn narrative. I’ve become very comfortable not knowing, and in doing so I don’t limit what I know to some story that I either love or I hate. I lean back into my own existence by leaning away from thought every chance I get and you know what? Without a bunch of stories life feels extraordinarily different. I’m a fan of existing, finally.
Thanks for sharing that and the hell with work I’m supposed to be working too!😉 I too thought it selfish and abhorrent but now, yeah, now I get it too🖤
Well that posted before I was finished. I’m just saying, life is more difficult when you’re smart and observant. You walk around all the time going wtaf, and it gets overwhelming at a certain point.
It’s a very punishing way to increase our own demise. I decided, after a while, that I didn’t deserve punishment and that there was just a background story running in my head. Like: “I wasn’t even worthy of my own Mom sticking around” kind of shit, and other things…Eliminate the story and you get a blank page upon which to write the story of “whoever the fuck I want to be now”😉
Okay, I’m going to say something in candor. I can tell you are an intelligent human. I am also an intelligent human. That’s not intended as a brag, just a fucking fact. Life is incredibly frustrating
A different point but something I am increasingly struggling with: the losses that add up over time. The people you loved but will never get to see again. It’s 1, then 2, then 10, then…
Yep, we have front row seats to the nature of reality. We can’t outrun entropy. It hurts more if we resist this un resistable phenomenon. I know too zen but that’s how I do😉
Nailed it. “Now”, “Presence”, “Awareness” are all reflections of the same thing. First there is the idea of it (which is not it) and by holding the idea we can identify all the things that aren’t it (like everything basically) in order to let them go until we actually experience “it” at which time we will exclaim to ourselves “Holy shit, this is “it”, this is “now”, this is “presence”, this is “awareness without the of” and instantly- poof, we fuck it up by obscuring it with thoughts and definitions. That’s the deal, just keep getting those glimpses and then fuck it up over and over until- a thing happens that seemingly doesn’t have anything to do with our own effort. Perhaps it’s grace or perhaps something bigger takes pity on our ass or maybe we just wear ourselves down to nubbins. The important thing about this though is to not aim for it like it’s a destination. Everything in reality moves around now, around the ineffable lucidity behind your eyes just like a hurricane has a calm and still eye. Now, forget everything I just said and relax into yourself😉
Fucking hell that was a tough read, Rusty. Fuck. Must’ve been so much tougher to write. I’m in awe. Mate, you can WRITE. I don’t swear that much, but, fucking hell, I’m so impressed.
This hits close to home—like razor-thin shave close. I'd tell you some stories, but you've said all that needs to be said. And this story is quite simply yours and yours alone to tell.
Thank you for putting this out there. It's the very definition of a naked truth. As bare-assed as Adam just before realizing that maybe he didn't like apples all that much after all.
It's courage. It's desperation. It's resignation to futures unfulfilled and plans shattered like glass.
It's still transparent enough to let the light in, but not usable as a lens to glimpse the future through.
But as far as my study of Zen is concerned, which was brought about by my own dance with the demon, I think Zen has only one real answer:
A student asked, "What is the nature of Zen"
The master replied, "Zen is a shit-wiping stick"
I have my own thoughts about that. About a hundred of them actually. But I guess all I can give you from that is to advise you to not carry a used shit-wiping stick in your pocket. So sayeth the learned Masters. The useless bastards...
“When one has reached the Mountain top, keep going. When one has whipped his own ass with the shit whipping stick, keep whipping until one cannot distinguish between stick, shit, ass or the very act of whipping”
My mother taught me that ‘suicide is selfish’ early on in life and I carried that ‘knowledge’ way too long. As with most things my mother taught me, it misses the heart of things completely. Sigh.
True that my friend! In order to keep the box broken, some occasional hammering is necessary. My favorite hammer is whiskey, let’s get hammered sometime soon like in days of yore! We are waaaay overdue!
For the reason unknown I set the black flower in a vase just in sight to remind there is always access to that one way ticket to the all mysterious next .. the nights are long while the days are an annoyance and every moment of wake is a burden .. I prepare for my decay pushing everyone away .. putting paper in my pocket for the disposal of what once was and the disposal of what seemed never should have been .. giving everything away for I will not need it were I'm destined .. Having dillusuons of a new .. Never quiet feeling comfortable in the skin I grew .. holding onto the agony because it's the last thing we have of the tragedies that ripped it all away .. The clock ticks when will I ever fit .. So here I am to just be, realizing I am just me .. what I strange feeling to learn how to do it all again 🖤 thank you for sharing I love to hear from your being within 🥀 Until next time my friend ✨
It took 30 years to understand the why of my father’s suicide but after my own year of sorrow and asking: What’s the point of all this? I finally got it.
Life can be emotionally exhausting and he was tired.
I told him I understand, I loved you, I miss you, I forgive you, please forgive me.
🖤
https://youtu.be/CG-1JDi4240?si=Cm66YL_VL-_IV5Qg
I get it, too-
You said it best.
I’m a musical artist seeking collaborations— this poem is powerful and should get a megaphone, or a driving beat behind it. Or something… I’d do that for you. You could consider.
I’m here in Substack because this is where the minds come to mingle and consider the bigger questions.
Lately, I’ve been trying to accept that some people need to make their final choice. I wish they would stick around and review their glass, but I don’t know what agonies prevail upon them. I pray that my own discourages buy will wait the bad times out. It’s a terrifying place to be as a parent. I hope your daughter can stay. You are a good reason for her to hang around.
When you feel like hearing my first vocal track, I’d be pleased if you’d take it for a ride.
https://open.spotify.com/album/4jsRcR8J8JtsM3mMGBZe7K?si=dypgfynKSl2EJa741N2MqQ
It’s Beeyouteefull!!
Thanks!!
I’m going to put this all a bit quickly and simply because I am supposed to be working right now. I cleaned my mother’s blood off the floor three times as a child. She slit her wrists, but she did it the wrong way, lol, so she was all right. I made excuses to my friends, which was kind of embarrassing. And I hated her for it for a really long time because I felt betrayed. I’m 8 (or 10 or 13). Like “Wouldn’t you want to be around for me? What about me?” There’s still, maybe because of that, a part of me that feels like suicide is incredibly selfish. Because you have people who need you. But the older I get the more I do understand that sometimes the world is just too much. Nonexistence sometimes feels preferable. And this is why I am not a person who doesn’t own any guns. I enjoy shooting, I’m a decent shot, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. If I wanted to hurt them, I could do it with my cutlery set. It’s a risk to me. I’ve actually considered getting a Glock (because one side shouldn’t have all the guns), but…well…idk. It’s a risk to nobody but me.
I don’t put too much energy into smarts nor do I put too much thought- into thought. I mean, thinking is not the end all be all of existence. Thinking, if you think about it, is a relatively new phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. I find that an attitude of “not knowing” serves me to reduce the active, or smart if you like, minds incessant need to turn everything into a damn narrative. I’ve become very comfortable not knowing, and in doing so I don’t limit what I know to some story that I either love or I hate. I lean back into my own existence by leaning away from thought every chance I get and you know what? Without a bunch of stories life feels extraordinarily different. I’m a fan of existing, finally.
Dude, I’m a logic whore. That’s way too Zen for me.
We create our own prison🤷🏻🖤
Thanks for sharing that and the hell with work I’m supposed to be working too!😉 I too thought it selfish and abhorrent but now, yeah, now I get it too🖤
I’m just committing slow suicide via alcohol and cigarettes.
I tried that for a while in my youth. Lost interest eventually. Found other shit to be interested in. 🖤
Well that posted before I was finished. I’m just saying, life is more difficult when you’re smart and observant. You walk around all the time going wtaf, and it gets overwhelming at a certain point.
If I had a soul, it would be pretty well crushed right now.
I do feel I’m getting a bit bored by it. Also, I’m having trouble feeling my hands, which is a little problematic for online work. 🤦♀️🤣
It’s a very punishing way to increase our own demise. I decided, after a while, that I didn’t deserve punishment and that there was just a background story running in my head. Like: “I wasn’t even worthy of my own Mom sticking around” kind of shit, and other things…Eliminate the story and you get a blank page upon which to write the story of “whoever the fuck I want to be now”😉
Okay, I’m going to say something in candor. I can tell you are an intelligent human. I am also an intelligent human. That’s not intended as a brag, just a fucking fact. Life is incredibly frustrating
Can’t argue that
A different point but something I am increasingly struggling with: the losses that add up over time. The people you loved but will never get to see again. It’s 1, then 2, then 10, then…
Yep, we have front row seats to the nature of reality. We can’t outrun entropy. It hurts more if we resist this un resistable phenomenon. I know too zen but that’s how I do😉
It’s okay to fall.. we just gotta get the fuck back up when we’re ready.
Sit with the pain, get to know it but don’t move into the house.
❤️🔥
Think of me O guru.
Thank you. Death always comes, doesn’t need anyone’s DIY help.
I treat your writings and talks as pith instructions.
Yeah I know you are not the boss of me, but I take your advice seriously and myself less seriously.
Too-da-fucking-loo!
One of your talks got me to thinking about polarities. Good-evil, up-down, hot-cold, Trump-Obama.
I think there is one thing that does not have an opposite. Now. The present moment. There is no “non-now”.
It’s like we are surfing on the crest of the present moment, the singularity tip of the spear.
Thoughts? I ask, knowing we are not our fucking thoughts.😜
Nailed it. “Now”, “Presence”, “Awareness” are all reflections of the same thing. First there is the idea of it (which is not it) and by holding the idea we can identify all the things that aren’t it (like everything basically) in order to let them go until we actually experience “it” at which time we will exclaim to ourselves “Holy shit, this is “it”, this is “now”, this is “presence”, this is “awareness without the of” and instantly- poof, we fuck it up by obscuring it with thoughts and definitions. That’s the deal, just keep getting those glimpses and then fuck it up over and over until- a thing happens that seemingly doesn’t have anything to do with our own effort. Perhaps it’s grace or perhaps something bigger takes pity on our ass or maybe we just wear ourselves down to nubbins. The important thing about this though is to not aim for it like it’s a destination. Everything in reality moves around now, around the ineffable lucidity behind your eyes just like a hurricane has a calm and still eye. Now, forget everything I just said and relax into yourself😉
Thou art my Brochacho💥
Fucking hell that was a tough read, Rusty. Fuck. Must’ve been so much tougher to write. I’m in awe. Mate, you can WRITE. I don’t swear that much, but, fucking hell, I’m so impressed.
Thanks Brother. It was cathartic actually- although I will admit my eyeballs got a bit sweaty a couple times😉
You made me sob too you bastard.
Haha that’s the greatest gift a person can give in my humble opinion. Your crying ass made my day❤️
This hits close to home—like razor-thin shave close. I'd tell you some stories, but you've said all that needs to be said. And this story is quite simply yours and yours alone to tell.
Thank you for putting this out there. It's the very definition of a naked truth. As bare-assed as Adam just before realizing that maybe he didn't like apples all that much after all.
It's courage. It's desperation. It's resignation to futures unfulfilled and plans shattered like glass.
It's still transparent enough to let the light in, but not usable as a lens to glimpse the future through.
But as far as my study of Zen is concerned, which was brought about by my own dance with the demon, I think Zen has only one real answer:
A student asked, "What is the nature of Zen"
The master replied, "Zen is a shit-wiping stick"
I have my own thoughts about that. About a hundred of them actually. But I guess all I can give you from that is to advise you to not carry a used shit-wiping stick in your pocket. So sayeth the learned Masters. The useless bastards...
“When one has reached the Mountain top, keep going. When one has whipped his own ass with the shit whipping stick, keep whipping until one cannot distinguish between stick, shit, ass or the very act of whipping”
~ made up Zen proverb😉 Thanks Brother🖤
Or as the Dalai Lama likes to say, "How the hell do I know? Go fuck around and find out; now pass me my driver. Gunga galunga, gunga gunga lagunga"
😆💥
My heart hurts but in a good way
🖤😉
Awesome! Thank you, Shawn.
Life has a way of throwing us a curve ball once in a while.
Hopefully, as we get older, we have a little less trouble with the curve.
They still suck, though...the way they slide and then drop to the left and sometimes to the right at the last second.
But we keep swinging in hopes that one day we can knock it out of the park.
Powerful. “Your eyes are too small
to release the whole sea.
The storm is too fast
your feet cannot flee. “
That’s my favorite line of the poem. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Casey❤️
Wow, Rusty. You are one strong man! Thank you for sharing this, the poem and the story are incredible.
❤️
My mother taught me that ‘suicide is selfish’ early on in life and I carried that ‘knowledge’ way too long. As with most things my mother taught me, it misses the heart of things completely. Sigh.
Here’s to not rebuilding that box, friend. 💜
True that my friend! In order to keep the box broken, some occasional hammering is necessary. My favorite hammer is whiskey, let’s get hammered sometime soon like in days of yore! We are waaaay overdue!
I am a recent subscriber to your Substack. And every post is real, raw, poetic, and magical. Please keep writing.
Thanks Jenny I will😊❤️
For the reason unknown I set the black flower in a vase just in sight to remind there is always access to that one way ticket to the all mysterious next .. the nights are long while the days are an annoyance and every moment of wake is a burden .. I prepare for my decay pushing everyone away .. putting paper in my pocket for the disposal of what once was and the disposal of what seemed never should have been .. giving everything away for I will not need it were I'm destined .. Having dillusuons of a new .. Never quiet feeling comfortable in the skin I grew .. holding onto the agony because it's the last thing we have of the tragedies that ripped it all away .. The clock ticks when will I ever fit .. So here I am to just be, realizing I am just me .. what I strange feeling to learn how to do it all again 🖤 thank you for sharing I love to hear from your being within 🥀 Until next time my friend ✨
🖤🖤
i love you more than before!!! go maisie ❤️❤️❤️
😊❤️
Beautiful. Thank you 🙏
🖤